Dear Hooligans,

Since last month, the librarians have been warning us to keep our phones in our pockets. Apparently,  cell phones have been going missing around the library. Three phones in a couple of weeks? Would you guys happen to know anything about that?

I suppose you guys think you’re pretty clever. To be honest, I wouldn’t have thought of some of the tactics that you used. Distracting an unsuspecting victim while you snatched their phone in plain sight? Absolutely genius.

But, of all the things you could have chosen to steal, a phone was probably the worst choice to have made. In this day and age, phones can be used to do much more than calling and texting. Think about it-I could be trying to turn in a last minute project, and now you’ve made me face the wrath of my teacher…. again. My Crossy Road is on my phone! You think I can get 142 again? I spent my life on that game. Plus, my Starbucks card is loaded onto my phone as well, and when I say I need my coffee, I do mean I NEED MY COFFEE. You take my phone, you take my coffee. Are you sure you want to do that?

The thing is, it wasn’t merely a single phone that was taken. It was three. Three failed students. Three sabotaged high scores. Three caffeine-deprived teenagers. Three times the damage.

You guys need to learn to pace yourselves.  If you had maybe aimed for one phone per month, you could have kept this going for a long time. It’s all about sustainability, sustainability, sustainability. Everybody knows that. But instead we’ve found you, and now the entire student body has been alerted to keep their phone in sight at all times.

Now you may say this wasn’t your fault. You may say the phone just “accidentally” slipped into your bag, that it was “accidentally” disabled minutes after. Yes, of course it was the victims’ fault that they didn’t keep their phone in sight. Yes, of course they should make a rule that in the library your phone must be on your person at all times-out of your pocket, out of the library. Huh, pretty smooth, going from petty thieves to student politicians just like that.

I want to ask all of you hooligans out there: is it actually worth all this trouble? After all, everyone knows your trick now. You have to replan, and reinitiate. Redesign your entire process. Hours of trying to make this plan work. Is it really worth the satisfaction of seeing someone have a panic attack? Is it really worth the phone that’s oh-so valuable?

And the person whose phone you stole? They’ll be hot on your trail, for sure. That phone was their lifeline; I’m pretty sure they’re out there right now, trying to pin you down.

Posting something embarrassing on your friend’s phone? Go ahead, stick to your shenanigans. After all, everyone has those moments where they just want to mess around.

But theft?

I’m sure there are better ways to spend your spare.


Julien and Charmaine

Illustration: Chrystal Zhang

Illustration: Chrystal Zhang