It was just a normal day for local George Peterson of Sudbury, Ontario, when heartbreaking news reached him.

“It was just a Sunday evening, and [sniffles], I was scrolling through the internet on this site when… Usually, on the side of this website, there exists small—almost squares that reminded me that there were hot singles in my area. And, [wipes eyes], not only that, they were interested in me. It, [deeply breathes], really made me feel like I mattered, you know. That there were people that would always embrace me with open arms.”

We graciously employed an investigative team to accompany Mr. Peterson to give him the closure he so desperately needed. 

 

Chat logs from team NUTTERS:

      Anon_1: Alright, who the hell decided our team name

      Anon_3: Why are we named Anon, Fiid, is this your doing?

      Anon_4: no.

      Anon_5: Are you dumb? You completely destroyed the point of naming ourselves Anon

      Anon_2: So you named us Anon Yvlon

      Anon_5: I will do very bad things to you

      Anon_1: You guys understand we’re being recorded, right?

      Anon_4: Oh. That is undoubtedly quite the conundrum.

      Anon_5: Stop trying to sophisticatedly talk

      Anon_4: Sire, your command is my wish.

 

Fast Forward


      Giovanni Giorgio: What is up squad?

      Anon_1: Who are you?

      Giovanni Giorgio: My name is Giovanni Giorgio. But everyone calls me George.

      Anon_2: Oh, it’s our person of interest.

      Anon_3: So Mr. Peterson,

      Giovanni Giorgio: George.

      Anon_3: Mr. Peterson, what was the sequence of events that led up to your complication

      Giovanni Giorgio: Well—sorry it’s still a little hard. The day before the disaster was normal, I was watching this video on a hub, a hub of videos, and all was normal. I went to sleep satisfied that night. Afterwards, maybe 12 hours later, nothing of significance happened. But when I opened the hub, it was gone.

      Anon_4: I’m following, but I just have a simple question. Did you happen to have an adblocker?

      Giovanni Giorgio: A what?

      Anon_3: Did you happen to install any extensions prior to your visit to the hub?

      Giovanni Giorgio: Yeah… One. It goes by “Ad-Blocker-Ultimate-Edition-Pro- Platinum-Collector’s-Edition”.

      …

      Anon_1: That sounds about right.

      Giovanni Giorgio: I seem to not be following…

      Anon_4: Should I tell him?

      Anon_3: I wouldn’t want to break his fragile little heart.

      Giovanni Giorgio: What is the matter?

      Anon_1: Ummm, Good news: all you have to do is uninstall that extension.

      Giovanni Giorgio: Oh, thank god, but it seems something else is the matter too? Has something happened to my singles?

      Anon_2: Well, there’s no easy way to say this, but, Mr. Peterson: You have no bitches.

 


And from the imaginary heroic vandalism on the bathroom wall, providing independent journalism when no one else will:

      – A new last-resort drug is being tested where instead of dying as a human, they turn you into a chicken first.

      – A shocking discovery finds that the vast majority of those under 18 are minors

      – Trump says something stupid again

      – Ye says something stupid again

      – War on terror is an oxymoron

      – Why would anyone want to live on Mars lmao? It’s like all red. 💀

 


Photo: David Pupaza on Unsplash.com