Do you want to contribute to global warming? Are you scared of a bright future? Are you romantically attracted to the Grinch? Do you simply want to do something stupid? Well, if you’re here for that last one, you can leave. Just do what you always do. Let’s get started.
- An empty skull (Preferably yours. Must be empty)
- Everything else
If you want to get to the nitty-gritty and get a few more details, here they are, so come and take these words. Firstly, I don’t know how to quite describe someone who’s reading this. How about, “Dense Underdeveloped Nobody with Constrained Emotions,” or DUNCE for short.
There are two main groups of solutions to this problem: dealing with Santa himself or using the traditional sense of naughty. The first group of solutions requires Santa to possess emotions, which is unlikely since he decided to stop existing when I was 10, and it really hurt my feelings. The second group of solutions is very time-consuming, since how does one become world-bendingly naughty if other people don’t think they’re naughty. November just ended, so don’t be a coward. Don’t pull out of this.
Option #1: Doing Santa Dirty
- Step 1.
The first step is to yell in the direction of the North Pole, “Post up Santa,” “Square up Claus,” “Run em ones Nicky,” “FMIRL Big Guy,” “I’ll box you and your elves,” “YOU SCARED?” or my favourite, “Catch these fists fam”.
- Step 2.
Make a postcard to the North Pole and try to be as egotistical and insecure as you can get. I made one right here:
“Hi, Santa. My mom said that to get on the good list, I just have to be nice for the whole year. Well, I accidentally started a fire in a friend’s house and his entire house burned down. I don’t feel bad though, it was really exciting watching the tears pour down his face. The pieces of ash looked like snowflakes. I made an apology video for it, just in case I ever get caught, rubbing my head and everything. Then when my friend asked if he could stay at my house, I told him that half-bloods weren’t allowed inside. What a stupid guy. To make up for it I started framing other students for stuff I did so that everyone is brought down to his pitiful level. Though I don’t see a need to get myself in trouble because I know what it’s like to be them. One time, I used the washroom when there was no more toilet paper and left without refilling.
Thank you, Santa. I knew I could count on you. I’m Merrick Lu….”
Make sure that you put all your contact information.
Santa would want to know.
- Step 3.
Become the number one producer of greenhouse gas emissions to threaten Santa’s homeland. Or bomb the North Pole. Then privately send a message to Santa telling him he better give you that black stuff.
Option #2: Damn Bro Chill
- Step 1
Pick someone. Someone who you can easily access.
- Step 2
Take notes on basic information about your target. For instance, how old are they, what time do they get to school, or what would happen if you didn’t screw-
- Step 3
Make a list of insults and practice them like a speech. The common goal with damaging someone’s self-worth is to inflate yours, but you’re simply an awful human being. Make sure to use your notes when contemplating your insults.
You want them to feel like how it felt, to push on a pull door for more than six seconds in front of eight people to the point where someone came over to try and help you. Or when you try to walk into the store through the window because the glass is too clear and you play it off by leaning on it and then it falls over and the whole thing cracks and breaks and you keep it cool by slowly sprinting away.
- Step 4
Become Daniel Larson. Be succinct. The whole point is to provoke outrage outright. You are trying to look naughty without becoming a naughty person because you are an angel. You’re just doing this for the coal. Trust.
- Step 5
You want to get your reputation to go negative, as in to become infamous for being dumb. Luckily, you’ve already gotten a head start. Take everything into the public. Look embellished by your notoriety. You don’t want anyone to have hope in you after all. 😐 Suppose you’re asked to write an apology letter. Proceed to rub your head again to look genuine (preferably black and white). Then offload all of your insults on it and end it with, “No regrets! Hahahaha, stay losing kid.”
- Step 6
You’re having fun! It’s a blast! Life is good! Then, when they least expect it, remember that you have to be cringe naughty.
Don’t forget you’re doing all this to get away from the fact that you have a loser life. You couldn’t get a girl even if you were 6”8, borderline Mr. Olympia, given a millennium, and 36 councillors. Your personality is so rubbish that people would rather talk to a bag of stale, watery Justin Bieber Timbits. And that’s on a good day. Bro… you’re just built diff- in the entirely wrong direction, and I don’t just mean the wrong direction. You broke through the xy-planes and were built diff- in the z-axis. If someone slept with you, it would be bestiality. When you look in the mirror, your reflection cringes at you. And when you throw the boomerang, it never comes back, just like the one girl who for real had the misfortune of responding to you in your DMs. She said, “Stop talking to me,” remember? Even your parents blocked you.
My bad, bro. Went on a bit of a tangent there. Back on topic, oops, I forgorr-💀💀💀
💥NOT A TYPO. JUST SIMPLY A HUMOUROUS AND FUNNY REMARK BASED ON THE SATIRICAL MISPRONUNCIATION OF FORGOT. WHICH IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE DUMB INTONATION USED TO MOCK AN INDIVIDUAL, COMMONLY YOURSELF CAUSE YOU’RE STUPID. ALSO KNOWN AS IRONY. GEN Z SUCKS. I’M GEN Z. DO NOT GET MAD.🛑
Anyways . . .
All this to find out that Santa doesn’t even exist, and no one wants you, nor do they care about you in any capacity, shape, or especially form. So I guess better luck next year. Fuckin’ Shitter.
Next up on the club for a golden hammer, sickle, and star on a red background
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(Thanks to my mans for inspiration Haodong, and Merrick)
Photo: Anton Maksimov Juvnsky on Unsplash.com