Gilbert and Sullivan’s famous operetta The Pirates of Penzance first opened in 1879, becoming an instant success with European and American audiences alike. It remains one of the most popular musical comedies to this day, inspiring parodies and pastiches such as Tom Lehrer’s “The Elements” or xkcd’s “Every Major’s Terrible”. The immensely catchy Major-General’s song from Act I inspired me to write this rather unorthodox review. Music can be found here.

And yes—sing the whole thing.

Pirates, dames, and Major-General Stanley from the Stratford Shakespeare Festival’s 2012 production of The Pirates of Penzance.

The Music Reviewer’s Song 

CHORUS:

For he is a music reviewer!

He is! Hurrah for the music reviewer!

REVIEWER:

And it is, it is a glorious thing

To be a music reviewer!

CHORUS:

It is! Hurrah for the music reviewer!

Hurrah for the music reviewer!

 

[Jaunty musical introduction]

 

REVIEWER:

I shall review our Thursday evening show The Pirates of Penzance,

That Stratford Fest production filled with music, laughter, and romance.

“The play’s the thing,” said Shakespeare—well it goes for operetta too,

A fun-filled romp from overture to half-time to the curtain cue.

Sean Arbuckle as the Pirate King. Captain Jack Sparrow, meet Victorian England.

Our story starts off by the coast of Cornwall on a pirate craft

When Fred’ric (he’s the hero) finds his situation rather daft;

His nanny’s made a fumble when she went to pick out his career,

Instead of pilot Frederic’s become a nasty buccaneer.

CHORUS:

Instead of pilot Frederic’s become a nasty buccaneer.

Instead of pilot Frederic’s become a nasty buccaneer.

Instead of pilot Frederic’s become a nasty bucca-buccaneer.

REVIEWER:

Observe how “pilot” “pirate” both sound similar in English Brit,

And if you don’t like humour—well, good sir, I find you short of wit;

But if you like to laugh and you find silliness hilarious,

Then Sullivan and Gilbert promise hearty chuckles various.

CHORUS:

But if you like to laugh and you find silliness hilarious,

Then Sullivan and Gilbert promise hearty chuckles various.

REVIEWER:

Young Fred’ric just turned twenty one; it’s time to leave the pirate crew,

Pictured: a bevy of beautiful maidens, with Mabel in pink.

He’s never seen a pretty girl—decides to marry nanny Ruth,

But suddenly he spies on shore a bevy of hot British chicks

And tries to win their hearts with dashing looks and pouts and flirty tricks.

The pretty girls all shun him—they want nothing with a pirate lad,

Then Mabel (she’s the fairest) says she’ll love him; Fred is rather glad!

The pirates crash the party; want to carry off the dazzling dames—

Their major-gen’ral father to the rescue with inflated claims.

CHORUS:

Their major-gen’ral father to the rescue with inflated claims.

Their major-gen’ral father to the rescue with inflated claims.

Their major-gen’ral father to the rescue with inflate-inflated claims.

REVIEWER:

Apparently he’s very good at differential calculus,

In conics he can floor peculiarities parabolous:

But how will math get Fred and Mabel out of this mess, want to know?

Well, I’m not telling—grab a ticket, go to Stratford, watch the show!

Kyle Blair as the ex-pirate Frederic.

CHORUS:

But how will math get Fred and Mabel out of this mess, want to know?

Well, we’re not telling—grab a ticket, go to Stratford, watch the show!

REVIEWER:

I’ll tell you what I liked about the costumes, staging, and the cast:

Big puffy shirts and sequins, coats and uniforms from cen’tries past,

The steampunk touch, the detailed scenery, the burlesque attitude—

To say the classic staging was enjoyable’s no platitude.

I loved the chorus scenes—the singing, dancing and the acting too—

Especially Kyle Blair, he played young Fred with vim and vigour true;

Sean Arbuckle the Pirate King was dastardly and comical

And Mabel (Amy Wallis) sang in dulcet tones harmonical.

CHORUS:

And Mabel (Amy Wallis) sang in dulcet tones harmonical.

And Mabel (Amy Wallis) sang in dulcet tones harmonical.

And Mabel (Amy Wallis) sang in dulcet tones harmon-harmonical.

“Union jacks posterius.” I trust that I am very clear.

REVIEWER:

That encore by the Major-General on Stratford’s genesis

I loved the best, and constables with union jacks posterius.

But whether you will take my word on quality is up to you—

Just know that it’s the model of a modern musical review.

CHORUS:

But whether you will take his word on quality is up to you:

Just know that it’s the model of a modern musical review.