Responding to popular request, The Reckoner has used its advanced nuclear physics laboratories to mathematically model the universe in its entirety and predict with certainty the behaviour of every particle that exists. The result is the horoscope below.
Aries March 21 – April 19
This month you will mistakenly consume dish detergent believing it to be Gatorade. Side effects will not be devastating, but you will never live down the shame.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Your relationship woes will soon be over. In a few days, the individual of your dreams will walk into your third period class in a kilt (and only a kilt), will play accordion to the tune of “Baby Come Back”, and promptly ask you to prom in front of the whole class.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You are so full of confidence at the moment that you believe all things are possible – and they are. Don’t take on any new responsibilities though. Running the government of a third-world country would seem appealing, but you won’t have time for it between class and the bear wrestling match you need to practice for on Tuesday. Marc Garneau will be watching.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You will find a live scorpion in the bathtub while showering this weekend. Do not be afraid. The scorpion will have already eaten brunch and will thus feel no inclination to harm you.
Leo July 23 – August 22
The next bathroom stall you consider walking into will contain a wormhole that displaces surrounding matter two thousand years into the past atop mountains in Siberia. But just before walking in, you will remember this warning and use the stall to the left. Or maybe you’ll be adventurous.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You’ve always had an inclination towards nature. When a tree falls over during a thunderstorm on your street next week, your inner Tarzan will urge you to charge out of your window and swing through tree branches while hanging precariously off power lines, tearing down several utility poles in the process and thereby triggering a power failure in your entire block.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Next week you will walk into a booth looking for a pay phone. Unfortunately there will be no phone; you probably shouldn’t have looked for a phone booth in a tanning salon. By the time you realize your mistake you will be orange. Don’t feel too bad though; it will only last six months.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Your friends will invite you to opening day at Canada’s Wonderland for a birthday party. While riding on the Behemoth, the automated camera will take the most embarrassing photo of you in your life. Be sure to hurry your friends out of the booth as soon as you finish the ride. We are only trying to help you.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
The bravery and compassion in your heart has always been ceaseless. You will find yourself courageously saving a pet hamster named Rocky from a house fire on Friday. Dress for school lightly.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Be careful. An armed police task force will raid your house tomorrow night suspecting a multi-million dollar drug operation in your basement. Hide everything.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ve always displayed good judgement in decision-making, but you have to be careful and continue doing so. Exactly two weeks from today at 7:43 PM a man named Clarence will knock on your door. He will present you with a difficult choice. Say no.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
On your walk home tomorrow (following heavy rain), a passing car will splash water and mud all over you and a winning lottery ticket you spontaneously decided to purchase earlier in the day. You will discard the ticket in the ensuing mess. Millions of dollars will unknowingly be lost.
Disclaimer: Despite our best attempts at accuracy, the universe may defy itself and prove these predictions incorrect.