What Not to Wear: A Halloween Special

Halloween is close approaching. People across the nation ready themselves for the celebration of this pagan ritual. Hand-carved pumpkins are being put on display. The prices of candy are most conveniently being raised…just in time for this ominous holiday.  The best part of this day is not the spooky decorations or teeth rotting treats but the disguises. Traditionally, costumes were worn to protect people from the ghosts and demons of the night. Of course, the purpose of costumes has changed throughout the ages, whether it is for better or for worse.

Are you in dire need of the perfect Halloween masquerade?  Are you paranoid about what your outfit could say about you? Falling into the correct stereotype is a big issue in today’s society… a cause I fully support. I am here to help. Through extensive research and labouring efforts I have compiled a list detailing each type of costume so that you can have the perfect disguise for this perfect night.

1) The Norm

For those who want to be anti-hipster, challenging the glory that is oversized glasses and slouchy beanies, this is the place to be. It is the pop music of Halloween costumes. The main-est stream of all the streams. They are especially great for keeping the monsters of the dark at bay.

Why?

Due to their fantastically dull appearance and the too-well-known fame of these disguises the creatures of the dead will be bored to yet another death.

This is how The Norms survive during All Hallows Eve. While all the witches and ninjas of the world are off trick or treating and having a  great time, most of us are stuck wandering outside in terror of the undead. Beauty hurts.

2) The Suggestive Clichés

31 October, a non-costumed grade 8 girl walks into class. Suddenly, she is bombarded by the purrs of teenage girls everywhere. She is stuck in a litter of human-sized kittens, trapped in the centre of “unauthenticness”, wondering, have any of them ever seen a real cat?

While cats are a major part of the teenage girl Halloween Culture, this category is not only limited to them. It also includes alluring bunnies and tempting firemen. Upcoming fashion trends may include seductive garbage cans or suggestive Bernies. Stay tuned.

Although their costumes may not be amongst the higher ranks it takes a great deal of strength and courage to belong to The Suggestive Clichés. These bold fashion setters are able to survive the single-digit temperatures of late October while keeping a steady face and still looking beautiful. I applaud their adrenaline seeking attitudes.

3) The “not so punny” Punners

It is two a.m. the night before Halloween. You completely forgot a costume. You are too lazy to make a creative costume and you definitely do not want to be a witch again. What shall you do? Join The Punners. Their ranks are definitely higher than The Norms but they still are not the best. At least people will not scoff as much when you walk by.

Who are The Punners? These are the people who take a word, break it down, and create something somewhat magnificent. For example, I have a nickel. I have a back. Hmmm. Nickel-back…nickel back! I have a face. I have a marker and I know how to spell. Hmmm. Face-book…Facebook! The pattern is evidently visible. So for all those last minute lazies out there, don’t be down. There will always be The Punners so that you will never have to be a witch again.

4) The Real Deal

Finally, there are The Real Dealers. These are the people that spend weeks, perhaps even months labouring over the perfect costumes. These are the people with costumes that are clever and complex.

An example is a hefty banana wielding a murderous clown. Now this would not just be the typical combination of a banana suit and a clown mask. No. This would be hours of replicating a perfectly ripened banana. Every hanging string impeccably placed, every discoloured brown spot must be of the utmost accuracy. The Real Dealers don’t just wear the banana. They become the banana. These committed Halloweenists begin the real fun with their creation of the clown. They will watch every horror movie. They will visit every haunted house. In the end, the very sight of that clown will craft nightmares. The clown will haunt you to insanity. Months and months after Halloween the image of that clown’s inviting smile and bulging eyes will lurk in your memories. The clown shall be your greatest fear.

So Brava! These hard core “costumists” are the ones who create the Halloween day. They are the ones who go on to become billion dollar Hollywood horror movie directors. They are the ones who will create grand empires such as Slender Man and Creepypasta. They are the ones who will make you question whether that thing outside your window is a leaf or a psychotic killer.

The Real Dealers arrive with a presence, wherever they go. When they walk into a room, you will know. Their aura exudes the spirit of Halloween. No deadly creature can touch them. For that Hallow’s Eve night… they are invincible.

 I have done my duty and have exposed an array of Halloween costumes to the world. Now it is your turn to choose. Be wise in your choice, my friends; you wouldn’t want to fall into the wrong category. What am I going to be for Halloween? Perhaps I’ll be a unicorn. A unicorn someone knows…